“We should talk to the Mayer of the town.” Schmoopy tells me once we enter. It is around noon and so we don't have to worry about waking people up in the night. “You said they love you right?”
I shrugged. “I don't know, but I am considered a hero of the town. Saved them from the zombies, and they did give us the free rooms for a while at the tavern because of what we did. Hell its how I convinced them to let us have the shack we are using too.”
“Alright, sweet. Lets go talk to the mayor.”
“Well, its not really a mayor. Just the two children of the burgomaster”
Schmoopy just shrugs and motions for me to lead the way, so I take him to the house. I had decided to let him do all the talking, seeing as what happened just hours before. Though I had a thought, and decided to offer it up. “Say...The crazy lady lives right over there. We could probably get her to cut her own tongue out if we tell her it would save her daughter....”
He turned to look at me. “Okay, look. Rather then lying and being deceitful, can we talk to the mayor first? Make sure there isn't someone already getting their tongue cut off for like, saying treasonous things or something like that?”
There was a moment of silence between us before I gave in. “Sure? As long as if we don't get a tongue she doesn't take one of ours... I mean, you and I need ours to cast spells. Uriel does too I think... I feel like if Bogwog looses his it would be bad for my health as well... Hey maybe we can convince her to take Draco's if we fail?”
“I don't trust that big oaf anyway...”
“I mean, just yesterday he actually told the damned serial killed in the basement we were there! What kind of an idiot does that?!” I noticed Schmoopy raise an eyebrow at me, but he remained silent. Not sure why he did that.
He then seemed to struggle with his next few words. “Well...an idiot...” He seemed to give up on that thought then. “You know I bet he's the person who was trying to kill the necromancer! What if we've been working, with the dude who's an internal secret agent with Strahd?”
“I mean I get Uriel wanting to kill the necromancer, 'cause Sir Uriel's just like 'By the Holy Lights!' but... Why the fuck does that dragon guy just wanna kill everything that involves anything that's walking?”
“I- I really don't know. And he says he want's to go about things diplomatically, but he only tries to do this when its impossible! I mean, he tried to convince a zombie, not to eat us. I mean, seriously?”
“Okay I- I think this guy has the same brains as a zombie. Maybe he can speak the same language. We don't know, don't judge him.” Schmoopy shook his head. “No but, real talk, why do we trust him again?”
“I just use him as a meat shield....”
“I use him to ride! Ba da bump, ba da bump, ba da bump, bump, bump” He paused and looked at me again. “I still don't have a saddle though...”
Finally we knock on the door, to be greeted promptly by Ireena. “Can I help you?”
“My name is Sir Schmoopy, this is.... a hero of your town or something like that.” He motioned over towards me. I just waved.
“Ooh yes! I remember you! What can I help you with?” She beamed with a smile.
“Well, we kind of found ourselves in a pickle. You see, I am but a measly lumberjack, and... we have kinda made a deal with a super scary necromancer, who is actually kinda bad ass at the same time, but she's still super scary, that we would bring her the tongue from a live human.
“O-Oookaaaaay?” She seemed rather put off by this news, and I guess that made sense. It wasn't something people normally knock on your door to tell you.
“So, I was wondering, do you have any executions or torture sessions or-”
“Well my goodness of course not! What are you crazy?!”
Schmoopy and I look at each other, before back at her. Did she really just ask the dwarf that? “....Yes?” Schmoopy answered.
She looked at him rather angry now. “Get out of my sight.”
“But...” Schmoopy pointed to me again. “Hero”
I stood up strait and proud, like I had seen the men of honor do time and time again. I was putting on the best 'hero' look I could. I guess I pulled it off, because as she looked at me again she sighed and nodded. “Well... you are in fact the town hero... But that really is pretty weird what your saying. Why would a hero agree to do that?”
“Well we're kinda trying to kill the most evil human vampire thing of all time. I don't know if you've heard of him; his name is Strahd.”
I kicked at the dirt behind Schmoopy. “Well she did sort of trick me...”
“Well why didn't you kill her if she tricked you? That doesn't sound very nice.”
Schmoopy stepped up again. “She didn't trick me, she tricked my compatriot here.”
“Then why didn't you kill her?! You're the good guy, you're a hero.”
“Okay here's the problem. She has very vital information to the cause, and she might be evil but shes actually kind of a nice girl, and like, shes gonna kill an even more evil. So its kinda like 'do I want Hillary or Trump?' and shes kinda Trump-”
“Whats a hillary or a trump?”
“Whats a hillary or a trump?”
“You know exactly...” He stopped and sighed. “Okay, fine. We have Strahd, and mini Strahd. Alright? You do-”
“What are you talking about mini Strahd, there is only Strahd!”
“Yes, but imagine there was a less evil Strahd, okay?”
She crossed her arms and just looked at him. “So, you, apparently.”
“Er, okay. Yes, sure. We have a less evil Strahd, and a Strahd.”
“How about we call the less evil Strahd, Schmoopy? It will make me feel a lot better.”
“Okay! Alright! So we have Strahd and Schmoopy. And Schmoopy can kill Strahd. But Schmoopy demands... a... living person's...tongue.”
“What do you need a living persons tongue for?!”
I sigh at this because by now we went in circles so many times. So I stepped in and smiled brightly before speaking, cutting Schmoopy off. “You see, if you beat Strahd with the tongue, he will die.” I offer her, keeping contact on her eyes the entire time.
Schmoopy just smiled up at me. “Yes!”
Ireena didn't look amused at all however. “That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard... You are going to beat him up by licking him to death?”
I had to stifle my laughter at this, as I thought of my own private joke. As I hadn't spoken up yet, Schmoopy spoke on my behalf. “But not with our tongues, because if we lick him we die.” I couldn't hold back my chuckle then. By the gods Schmoopy was closer to my thoughts then he knew!
She was looking at us both like we were freaks now, and I guess I couldn't blame her. So I tried again. “Look, I know it sounds strange and it is. But if you take the tongue of a villager in Barovia and beat Strahd with it, he can be defeated.” She sighed and seemed to give in, beveling me. Not that she looked any more happy with the strange turn of events.
“Okay, all I'm trying to say is, if you have anyone who is going to be executed for like, murder or anything like that, can we kinda just... cut off the tongue before they die?”
“Well, there was Danavich (sp?) but you have already killed him.”
She shook her head. “The village is down to like four people now, so...”
“Well, who is like, the one person you all hate?”
She suddenly got very serious. “Draco. That fucking scaly dick mother fucker needs to go.”
“Okay well I would completely agree with you, but that scaly dick mother fucker kinda disappeared on us... How does he DO that?”
I sighed and rubbed my temples. “Well, unfortunately, as much as I would love to use his tongue for this, it needs to be a villager of Barovia...”
Ireena smiled brightly at me then. “Well, he lives in this town now, doesn't he?”
Schmoopy and eye looked at each other and soon we were all smiling brightly. “That's true...” I said, almost a whisper.
“I think we should do it. I think we should cut his tongue off. That way I can ride him, without any harsh repercussions.”
“You know he is probably sleeping right now. He won't wake up, he lies like a fucking log.”
“Wait what if he actually is just in town sleeping. He lives here, right?”
“Can we just break into his house? No one fucking likes him anyway.”
I blinked at him, a bit baffled. “Well its easy enough... Its our house.”
We walked back to the shack, and stopped just outside the door. What of the others? “Schmoopy...” I said as I stood by the gate. “If we do this, we need to make sure no one else knows. I am certain that most of them will be asleep, but that leaves Uriel...” I look up at the sky and think for a moment. “I can probably distract him, with tea time.”
“Hold on. Hold on Elasha, I don't mean to be that guy, but... I've been playing a lot of Phoenix Wright lately. Which means I'm thinking like a lawyer.”
“...er...oookaay?” I had no clue what he was talking about.
“Did the necromancer necessarily say we needed a whole tongue?”
“She just said it needed to be the tongue of a living humanoid...”
“She said we have to cut off someones tongue. She didn't say how much of their tongue.” There was a long silence then. “Right?”
“I... don't think so?”
“Why don't we cut off like, half of Draco's tongue? That way he can still speak, but it will be really funny.”
“Well, is is part dragon...thing... So I would assume he has a very long tongue. Following that logic, half of his tongue might be the same size of a normal tongue... I guess there is always Bogwog too, but I don't know. That might give him reason to actually try and take my eyes...”
“He's after your eyes?”
“Yeah he said they look like golden shinys.”
Another moment of silence passed before Schmoopy motioned me inside. “Alright you go distract Sir Uriel, I'm gonna cut out half of Draco's tongue. He is a dragon lizard thing and those things regenerate like mother fuckers anyway. He'll probably have it back by next morning! And if he doesn't, good riddance.” Schmoopy then spoke again, as if to himself. “I concur with this plan.” He looked surprised then, and I think I saw his facial expression change with each new sentence he spoke. “What the fuck was that? W-why did my other me just interrupt me, and know exactly what I was thinking?” “I'm becoming self aware Schmoopy, you're a fucking idiot and I can't believe half of the shit we do.” Then he was silent for a while, eyes wide. “Holy fucking shit I think we're screwed guys.” With a quick shake of his head he seemed back to himself, as he pushed me towards the door of the shack. “Alright lets do this. Operation take Draco's tongue is a go.”
Once we get inside I can see Sir Uriel sitting at the table, and looking to the side I can see Draco sleeping on the bed. Uriel seemed to be studying something as I approached. “Uum, Sir Uriel?” I asked him, sounding a bit shy.
“Mmm? Ooh! Can I help you with something, Ela?” He asked, and while his voice sounded kind, I never did see his face. He always has that helmet on.
“I um... I was hoping to make some tea, after all it is high noon. The ting is, I thought I saw the tea set in the basement...” I looked down at the floor and shuffled my feet a bit. “And well, after yesterday, I'm afraid to go down by myself. Would you accompany me? Pleeeeease?” I gave him my best pleading eyes. In truth, I really didn't want to go back down there. The place did give me the creeps now.
I know not his reasons for agreeing to my silly request, but he did. I will admit going into the basement with him at my back did make me feel a bit better. I wandered over to one of the rooms and paused at the door. This was where he had been, the killer. “I-I think it was in here. Would you please open it for me?”
He probably thought I was being silly, but he did as I asked. He assisted me in searching the room, and we took several minutes to do so. “Elasha, there is no tea set down here...”
“M-Maybe it was in the other room. Please, don't leave me along while I check...”
Again we searched and again we found nothing. Not that I actually expected to find one down here. “There is nothing down here, Ela, now let us go.” His voice was stern, and I knew I was unable to stall for any longer. Thankfully once we came up from the basement Schmoopy was done.
“Ela! May I have some tea as well?” He asked as we closed the hatch.
Uriel let out a sigh and seemed disappointed. “There was no tea set down there. You probably just imagined you saw it when you were down there yesterday.”
“Awwww shucks!” Schmoopy said looking rather upset. He even kicked at the floor. “I really wanted some tea, too! I know! We'll go to town and pick up some tea for all of us!” He grabbed my hand and pulled me with him now. “Let's go, Ela!”
As we left all we could hear was a “Jolly good!” from Sir Uriel, before we closed the door. We both let out a sigh and smiled at each other then. We had done it! Off we went to return to the necromancer then, to hand over the tongue. Somehow this had been the easiest quest we went on yet, and in just a few short hours we were done and back in the castle. Once we entered the necromancers chamber she seemed surprised. “Back so soon?” she asked us.
“Yeah, here.” I said as I motion for Schmoopy to hand over the tongue.
She was surprised to see him hand it to her I think, but happy at the very least. “Aah, why thank you!”
“I told you!” Schmoopy started. “When we do business deals, we do business deals.”
“This is a very floppy tongue...” She says then. I have no idea what made her actually mention that.
“And you wanted to kill us. Can you imagine that?!” Schmoopy says rather happily. I was a bit startled by this. She wanted to kill us? Was that what was happening earlier?
“Why exactly is this tongue slightly....scaled? This is kind of weird.” She said as she examines it some more.
“Well, the villager it came from is apparently a dragonborn.”
“Is that like a lizard? Does that mean I can get an infinite amount of tongues from this guy?” She sounded absolutely excited about the idea. “Think you could start selling tongues to me? That would be awesome”
“I'm not sure if-”
I cut Schmoopy off then. “Wait wait. Did you say sell tongues to you? How much would you pay per tongue if we brought you more?” I asked.
“I don't know how much, but...”
“But you are willing to strike up a trade deal?”
Schmoopy suddenly spoke up. “Ela! Ela! Ela!” He was trying to get my attention, and once I looked to him he smiled at me. “Let me be the negotiations person.” I blink at him and think about it, before sighing and nodding. He then turned back to the necromancer. “Teach me a super cool spell I can use to one shot people and we've got a deal!”
The necromancer smiled. “You see, what you do is wiggle your nose and wish really really hard. That's the secret, wish really really hard.”
“Okay! Let me rephrase that! You come and help us fight Strahd-” Schmoopy never got to finish.
“Naaah I'm good, I like staying here in my little lab.” She responded quickly.
They stared at each other for a moment, “You do realize hes gonna kill you right?”
“You do realize I have a giant fucking monster on either side of me, right?” She said, pointing to them both.
“Do you think Strahd is going to be phased by giant fucking monsters?” Schmoopy crossed his arms as he spoke to her now.
“Well...his last five spies were.” She gave a shrug.
I could almost hear him roll his eyes at her. “Those are his spies. What about Strahd-”
“You don't want to know what I did to the rest of the spies!” She quickly added.
“Did you turn them into giant fucking monsters?” Schmoopy asked, sounding unimpressed.
“No, I turned them into a giant fucking pool of....mucus.” She said motioning towards the vat. Did I mention I was super grossed out by that yet? Well it had gotten worse just as she said that. I had heard of ooze that goes scavenging for bodies before, and now I knew that the vat held such a thing. Lovely stuff.
“That's pretty baller. Can I have it?”
“Alright, can you summon me a super cool pet?”
“It doesn't have to fight or anything...It just-just...I need a friend.”
“Please leave. You have a quest at hand, don't you?”
“I guess so...”
“In addition to the ring, I promised to give you directions to a relic. Do you know where the catacombs are? Go through the middle door” She said pointing to the northern door leading from her sanctum, “ascend the stairs, and follow the tunnel. At the end awaits the catacombs. Once you reach the catacombs, proceed directly east past four crypts to a crypt set into the east wall. The name once inscribed there is clawed away. Inside you'll find Saint Markovia's Thighbone. A relic of some power that is useful against Strahd.”
I turn towards Schmoopy, biting my lower lip. “Hey, she is a wizard. Think she might know something about the book?”
“I mean...reading sucks ...”
“But she is a wizard. The entire lifestyle revolves around books and knowledge.”
“Well I apparently suck at talking to people, so I'll leave that up to you to find out.”
I think about it for a moment and sigh. “Why not? What's the worse that happens right?” I say to myself before walking over to her.
“ooh, by the way, do you have any magical items we can use to help us?” Schmoopy asks her.
She blinks at him looking rather annoyed. “I have plenty, and they are mine. I already gave you a ring, and directions to an artifact! Don't be greedy now...”
“What if we give you stuff to enchant for us?”
“No! I am not an enchanter! What the fuck do I look like?! Some sort of mamby pamby wizard?! No! I'm a necromancer! A necromancer of great power and I would like if you didn't insult me like that!”
“then...how do you have magic armor and stuff? You just kill people and take it?”
“That's kinda rude don't 'cha think?”
“No? I'm a necromancer!”
I manage to squeeze a word in. “Uum... That's sort of how Draco got all his stuff...”
Schmoopy just looked at me for a long while before speaking again. “What an asshole!”
“Yeah” the necromancer said. “Just like you”
I sigh and rub my forehead. “A-anyway. I wanted to ask you, if I may, do you know anything about the tomb of Strahd?”
“The tomb of Strahd is Strahd's personal Diary.” She explained, sounding exasperated. “I swear to the gods, that guy is like a little fucking girl! He writes down every day 'Dear diary, I swear to christ I really hate my mother! She's a mamby pamby-' uugh I fucking hate that guy...”
“Holy shit. Why are we killing this guy when we could just expose this to the public and let him die from humiliation?” Schmoopy asked me then.
“Well...” I started. “In order to do that, we would need the book...” Not that I plan on doing that anyway. I was asked to return it to him, and so I shall. “You wouldn't happen to know where the book is, would you?” I asked her, keeping my thoughts to myself.
She glared at me and rolled her eyes. “Do I look like some sort of, what-cha-ma call it. You know, those guys with the magic crystal ball, and the bibbity bobity with the cards and - ”
“You mean a gypsy? Like madam Eva?” I say, trying to keep her from complaining more.
“Yeah, do I look like madam Eva?”
“Well, maybe we can ask madam Eva? Ooh wait hold on hold on... How the fuck do you know whats written in the book, but you don't know where the book is?” Schmoopy said, and it actually caused me to raise an eyebrow.
“Because I swear to god, he hides it in a new place every fucking week”
“That means you need to find it every week to-!”
“I only found it once!”
“Well then how do you know its in a different place every week?!”
“Because it wasn't there the next time I checked! So I just figured he had this weird system where he moved the damned thing around or something!”
“Well isn't it strange to be making assumptions like that? Cause I mean -”
“Isn't it strange for you to still be talking to me when you have a quest to complete?!”
“Dude its 12 am here and I still haven't eaten... I have much more important things to do then a quest...”
“okay so why don't you do them?”
“Because...Drake and Neeni are still here... And I cant really ditch them.”
“Who the fuck are Drake and who the fuck is Neeni? I only see this Ela girl...”
Suddenly Schmoopy's demeanor changed and he seemed serious again.“Shut the fuck up other me! I apologize we are leaving now.” Then in a flash it was gone. “Like hell we are!” And yet, it didn't stop. “No we are not getting in trouble. We are leaving.” “Uup! No! Like hell we are!” I watched as he started pacing then. “Uuh yes we are.” “Uuh, no we aren't.” “Uuh yes we are.” “Uuh, no we aren't.” “Uuh, yes we are! Goodbye ma'am sorry to bother you! I am super sorry ma'am I am...so sorry. Words cannot even express-” “You are an asshole for not teaching me stuff” “Please; I know it will probably kill me but please like... Punch the other me when he comes out cause he fucking deserves it -” “I”
Yet before the 'other' Schmoopy could speak, she punched him right...well... She punched him in the dick. But the more sane Schmoopy seemed to be the one speaking after that.
“Ooooh why did I have to come conscious for that. That's some bullshit. Ooh god....ooh...god....why... Other Schmoopy please take over...Fucking pain... Ooh my Jesus Christ aaargh...”
The rough stone stairs ascended between two masonry walls, and well... it was misty. It was like swirls of mist just cascaded down the stairs. Did I mention it smelled like death? Well, yeah, it sort of smelled like a graveyard. Schmoopy was groaning about his balls and how they felt like they were being crushed like grapes begin milked for their juices to make wine. Only, this wasn't quite as pleasant as wine. We followed the stairs to a landing with a long foggy hallway. Yeah this place has fog like all over. I was getting used to it by now. It was a long, low hanging damp tunnel.
“Well, this place is scary, and my balls hurt. What are the directions so I can just go home and rest? That necromancer kinda punches really hard.” From there Schmoopy started rambling about the tunnel and how it was new and some random information on how it related to the castle. I don't know how he knew this, or why he felt the need to tell me. I don't even think it was useful at all. It sort of boiled down to : the tunnel didn't fit in. We were about to travel further in but Schmoopy told me to wait, before he rushed back towards the necromancers lair. When he came back, he was hunched over and crying. I think she punched him again...
We started walking side by side, Schmoopy starting to sing songs about sunshine and rainbows now. It was rather distracting, and strange to say the least. Maybe that was why I hit that trap? Whatever the case I stepped in a hole and fell down a smooth black marble shaft, Schmoopy failing to catch me as well as me failing to avoid slipping myself. I landed down in the cells again, falling on my ass. Needless to say, it hurt like a bitch. I was soaked now, and groaned as I made my way back into the throne room, climbed the rope, and then back into the necromancer lair. She was laughing as I walked past and walked till I wandered to Schmoopy. He then went back to talk to the necromancer again before we were finally joined together at the trap yet again.
Schmoopy cast dancing lights so that we would no longer hit any traps. He turned to me then. “Ela, you are so glad I have your fucking back here...”
Well, I was quite happy to have the light. After all, I had used all my infusions and couldn't cast it myself. “Yeah...Yeah I am... Man my ass still hurts though...” I don't know why I said that, but it just sort of came out.
“That's okay just get your mommy to schmooch it later.”
“Uum... I uuh, haven't seen my mother in... quite some time...”
“I uuh... I'm not exactly welcome back home... or back in Sharn even... The entire city sort of... It's a long story...”
“Aah” He sounded almost like he understood it. Schmoopy then seemed to look like his normal crazy self again. “Now that my balls don't hurt anymore, I am back!” “You sir are an asshole.” “And you sir, are retarded.” “...Fuck you...” “Fuck you”
The walk continues on for some time, before we reach a pair of heavy double stone doors. I mean, really heavy doors. Inside was just, well, a maze of catacombs and a dark creepy room. Fog on the floor, cobwebs on the walls, and bats covering the ceiling that made it look like a black moving structure. We just had to go strait across to get to the crypt we were looking for. I also noticed this really creepy inscription on the door we entered from. Something about a woman walking a path of pain and torment. Stating she was a gift for those who gaze upon her still. Seems like we might get into some trouble with her.
Whatever the case may be with her, we went into the room, looked at a few of the inscriptions, and kept on going across to the one we wanted. It took a bit of work but I was able to read the name despite the claw marks obscuring it. “Yep, this is the one we need...”
The damned thing was locked, which figures doesn't it? So I pick the damned thing. “Aren't we supposed to grab a bone from here?” Schmoopy asked me.
“Yeah some thighbone or some shit...Looks like its rigged with a dart trap.”
Schmoopy then moved to lean against the wall, out of the way of the trap as I attempted to disable it. Granted it was easy enough, being me and all, I was able to do it with no problem. Finally Schmoopy pried it open with his crowbar.
Wouldn't you know it, as it was opened we were attacked. Two zombies, an air elemental, and another one of those damned bone claw things attacked us!
“You got any sly ideas, Ela?”
I really didn't have any ideas, so I just blast the thing with my one wand. I used scorching ray on the air elemental. Then I stepped back, which put me in the crypt. It wasn't very happy, as it became a swirling vortex right after. It then came in and started swirling around Schmoopy and I. I managed to avoid getting hit by swirling debris but, Schmoopy wasn't so lucky. His response? He cast fireball to hit the other creatures behind the air elemental. It was a hell of a good idea though! So I took out a scroll and cast my own! I aimed for the same spot Schmoopy had, but the air elemental was angry at us now. Schmoopy was struggling with the debris but I was still able to avoid getting hit.
The zombies stepped forward and swiped at Schmoopy, though only one of them hit. He took a step back and cast his fireball again. Watching him cast it was a lot more satisfying then watching my own. It seemed so much more....powerful. One of the zombies fell, now burnt to a crisp. One down! Fire seemed to be working so I went back to Scorching ray. After all, that bone claw was still standing. As Schmoopy and I avoided more swirling debris the bone claw reached out with its...claws... to smack us. It missed.
Yet, this battle felt like it might have been easier. After all, we managed three powerful spells so easily this time! Normally the others get in the way. “By fire be PURGED!” Schmoopy shouted as he cast yet another fireball. Ooh if only we could do this normally! The other zombie fell, crispy and re-dead. All that was left was the bone claw and the air elemental. The elemental was still a vortex, so I went for the other thing again, as I dodged the debris yet again.
“I'm okay....barely” Schmoopy muttered as he got smacked with a rock. He was starting to look a little beat up. Now Schmoopy was angry it seemed however, as he walked forward to smack the bone claw with his nun-chucks. With that the thing fell into pieces at his feet. I activate my healing belt to help Schmoopy now, healing him for a bit.
The elemental finally turned back into its normal shape, and went to punch Schmoopy. It didn't seem to hurt him all that much. He responded with his nun-chucks again, but they seemed to go through the elemental. I blast the creature with my wand, and that seems to work.
“Hey Ela? Lets come back with the party...and back stab the necromancer...Shes an asshole.”
“I- I guess we could. She could have warned us abut this crap!”
“And who knows! Maybe Strahd will like us a bit more again after that! I get the feeling that, he is mad at me, because the others want to kill him... So since they want to kill him, I think he is mad at us.”
“Technically we never said we were against Strahd, we just weren't with him to the necromancer...”
“Well, you know, I just wanted to give him back his book like I promised him...”
“I don't even know why I'm here... Why the fuck am I here?!”
“I don't know. Originally I came because my ship was getting attacked by a giant skeletal dragon that wouldn't leave us alone till we got to Barovia...”
“Why don't we do something useful? Like holy shit we are fighting ghosts alone in a crypt in the middle of god damned nowhere! We don't have dragon breath or Paladin smack face master with us...”
“Yeah but we are doing better alone then we were with them. Just think about this.”
And as we were talking, the air elemental who I guess got tired of our bickering smacked Schmoopy. Schmoopy retaliated with his nun chucks again. This time Schmoopy seemed to actually hit it! Not that it seemed to care. So I blast it with my wand again, finally downing the monster. Finally, the battle was over! I turn to heal Schmoopy, then turn around to try and grab the damned bone we came after. After all, it was over now right?
At least, we thought so until another creature that resembled an ugly ass spider came at us. I think it wasn't quite a spider, something more monstrous, but it didn't matter. It shot a great amount of webs at us and we were surrounded. It felt like it was pulling us closer, like it was trying to eat us.
In a frantic attempt to free myself I use my wand of magic missile, which the monster seemed to ignore for the most part. It crawled closer to us and unleashed a flurry of attacks on the two of us. Thankfully it was easy for us to dodge them all. The monster was pretty good at dodging too though, avoiding Schmoopy's first nun-chuck attack. The battle goes on, me blasting this ugly thing with my wand. It getting mad. Schmoopy beating on it and me blasting it again. Then it finally dies, allowing me the chance to heal Schmoopy.
With that I turn to the coffin, push the lid off, grab the stupid bone as Schmoopy passes out next to me. There was nothing but that damned bone in the stupid thing. I then search the one open crypt that was across from us, where the one set of monsters came from.
With a final Sigh I pick him up and carry him all the way back to the shack.
Well, the two of us survived this at any rate. I'm so glad I am friends with this dwarf... I also hope the rest of the party never learns of my journal. If they read this stuff, it could be bad...